Herman Cain is amazing!! (And a quitter)

Look, we all knew this day would come. Herman Cain as been embarrassing himself for months now in his amazing (read: ridiculous) campaign to make Obama a one term president be the president of the United States. Today, it all came to a head with his “suspension” of his campaign. We had some laughs. His music videos were amazing. His “999” plan helped EA sell SimCity 4. His shitty pizzas made me remember that I want to eat at Pizza Hut more. But today, he called it and bailed out of the race to start a website or something. Watch the carnage if you can…..

Oh and don’t forget this……

Things I Don’t Understand – Soulja Boy’s “Conceited”

……*sigh*……..

This is where I would say something snarky or clever about how I didn’t know Soulja Boy was still around after his epic failure of a record super successful album, The DeAndre Way. But he’s “going hard” on bloggers that diss him, so I should tone it down. I guess. I’ll just say this: eat a fucking sandwich, kid. And maybe lay off the chains. The fact that no one told you that Riley from The Boondocks is a parody of corny, iced out minstrel show rejects like you is pretty sad. Also, as someone that’s been robbed at least TWICE, you really shouldn’t be talking about someone else getting robbed. Just saying.

In Closing: Fuck everything about this. I’m going to play Resident Evil 4 to wash this out of my head.

Things I Don’t Understand – Jenna Rose “My Jeans”

While I’m not even mortally offended by this song, (at this point we should all be used to underage proto-divas auto-tuning it up with fluffy, nonsensical lyrics by now) but there are some questions I have about this video:

1: Why does Jenna Rose think that all those other pop singers and famous people have stolen her look? As if no one else shops at American Eagle or Old Navy.

2. How can Baby Triggy (I’m amusing the 6 year old rapper in the video) not be seen as the next Biggie as he shows such lyrical depth as to rhyme the word “Blackberry” with “Blackberry”? Jay-Z needs to sign this kid. Now.

3. Why do all these videos have shots of the clearly underage girl driving?

4. Where is this sound stage that seems to be producing these videos located? Between Rebecca Black and this chick, it must be close to the studio that craps out these generic pop tracks. I’m betting even money on Lou Pearlman being involved.

5. “Jack my Swag???!?!?” How the fuck did a rapper not come up with this? You failed, Soulja Boy and Conway West.

Thanks to my friend Andrew Keahey for ruining my sanity for a while with this video. You’re awesome, chief.

Things I Don’t Understand – This……

I have no words about this. I haven’t been getting dealing with politics very much on the blog because it has been honestly wearing me down. I don’t want to be unaware of what is happening, but it gets SO HARD to deal with people’s head in the sand-ness when it comes to the changes that have been happening as of late. But this shit right here? This shit RIGHT HERE…..I’m done. This is why I unfollowed Sarah Palin. This is why I stopped trying to keep up with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck Tell Em. But there is a bright side. This why Obama is going to win, hands down next year. Quote me. I, in no way, think that there are enough people that believe this guy for any of this bullshit to fly. No way. But still. after this, I need to take a break from the internet for the rest of the day.

And a special message to all you hipster kids saying “Obama is just as bad as the rest” and whatever else you tight pants-wearing, privileged dickheads think about politics: Barack Obama IS NOT THIS GUY!!! Shut up and read a book, insects!

Things I Don’t Understand – “King” Hammer Dissing Jay-Z

I wish I had the words for this. And the sad thing is that I just remembered that Hammer DID say that he was going to drop a diss track on Halloween. This song is so wack that it’s really not worth dissing. I hope that The Jigga Man doesn’t lose too much sleep over the purveyor of Hammer Pants coming back from the dead to challenge the Devil.

BTW, since when can you lose your money on terrible business decisions and come back calling yourself King? Shouldn’t he have come back as Broke Hammer? Foreclosure Hammer? Bankrupt Hammer?

Just saying……

Things I Don’t Understand: “Gonorrhea”- Lil Wayne F/ Drake

This guy is the "Greatest Rapper Alive". *Straight Face* I can’t waste more words on this. If you like this bullshit, I’m not sure why you’re reading this because I’m fairly sure that you can’t read.

But by all means, don’t take my word for it. I’m just some crank on the internet who’s lost the plot in life and doesn’t ‘get it’. Listen for yourself what the greatest (incarcerated) rapper alive is doing. Feast your ears on “Gonorrhea” by Wezzy and Drake.

Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper alive? Go fuck yourself.

Things I Don’t Understand: Internet Groupies

Yeah ladies, this guy respects you. Really.....

It’s in the instinct of normal people to admire. Looking up to people you respect isn’t a crazy notion. I like The Dillinger Escape Plan, Rockstar Games and Charles Barkley and see them as heroes of mine. That said, respect only goes so far before it turns into something else. Case in point, today entrepreneur and overall overrated rapper 50 Cent commanded that his female followers take pictures of themselves and post them on his Twitter page. The less clothes, the better. And damnit, if women didn’t respond. Pic after pic showed up and at some point, a little piece of all of us died. While groupies aren’t a new concept, something about this really seemed really sad. Like the unpopular kid in school doing something humiliating to please the hip kids. With the glimmer of hope that maybe, just for a second, they can feel like they belong. That’s what this feels like. 50 responding to the pictures and referring to the women as hos kind of put it over the edge for me.

And I can hear 50’s fans and G-Unit solders (is that what they call themselves? I don’t know. Really.) now: “Hey, black guy on the internet, you’re a hater. You mad ’cause you aint got mad bitches like Fiddy. You mad that you aint rollin’ a phat ride with 24s and can’t stack money to the ceiling. You’se a buster!”

No. I’m a hater because not only is 50 Cent a fucking douche bag of the most epic of proportions, not only does he ride the same image of the thugged out gangsta cat on the street corner selling crack, ready to bust a cap in that ass at any moment, despite the fact that he’s richer than God and lives in Connecticut. No. It’s the fact that people are into escapism and hero worship THIS much. One of your favorite people that rhyme words to a beat tells you to take a semi-nude photo and post it on a social media outlet for the world to see….forever, (And yes kids, the internet is forever.) and women jump at the chance. Blame it on too much self-esteem. Blame it on hero worship. Blame it on being a woman of loose morals that would think something like this was cool. Blame it on some of these chicks having pretty low expectations of their lives. Whatever. The facts are that people highly disappoint me and 50 Cent is a fucking asshole. In other news, the sky is blue and I’m still broke.

Remember this when some of you chicks bitch about why you can’t find a nice guy that doesn’t treat you like shit. Way to go, America. The terrorists have won.